I find the matter of pondering on loss and the passage of time (and how increasingly quickly my life seems to be hurtling towards its inevitable end) to be overwhelming, also.
If I let it.
What I sort of inadvertently developed is a 'closed door' mentality. It's like I keep the deeper thoughts of loss/time passing behind a sturdy door. I can think about them on a fairly superficial level and consciously recognise the feelings and intellectually understand the matter. But if I open that door, the one which lets the emotionality of it flood out, it's like a huge roar through my brain. I always slam the door shut. I don't know what would happen if I let the door stay open and I confronted the rush of emotions, allowed them wash over me, but I fear what it would do to me. So I don't let it.
I've mused that it wouldn't do anything, really. That what I think through now [in terms of loss/passage of time] is the full extent and I've just constructed some artificial bogeyman and a door to lock him away behind.
I certainly never used to feel anything like this; in fact I used to think I'd go on forever, and had only a [deliberately?] vague notion of loss. It's crept up on me slowly.
And I guess not helped by a) a sense that I'm still waiting for my life to start (which in one way is understandable in one respect, as I've kind of stumbled through life without much of a plan or knowing what I wanted to do [that is within my control and achievable], but on the other hand, I look at what I have and realise it's a hell of a lot of what I would realistically have wanted when I was young); and b) an unwavering belief that there is no sort of afterlife or soul or god or any of that stuff, that we're just incredibly complex biological machines that have evolved through mutation & natural selection (is consciousness and thought a mutation? of course it is, I reckon)
As for Xmas itself, I have developed, mainly from moving in with Mrs S, an incredibly stylised understanding of what I think it is and should be. Rarely does it live up to that 'perfect Xmas' vibe (although when it does, I'm like a giddy child). I'm also too busy and hectic to let disappointment get too much of a hold, which I think is very much a blessing.
The one time, however, that I do have to battle to keep that door closed, is NYE. Hate this with a passion, and it goes right back to being a teenager and the realisation that the spirit of bonhomie-inspired jubilation (and hopefully a bit of debauchery!) that I assumed from seeing places like Trafalgar Square on telly when I was little, was all a façade, a lie. In the years since, I've tried all sorts - local pub, town centre pubs, nightclubs, house parties, family-themed events - and with precious few exceptions, they've left me with a feeling of wry disappointment. For most of the last couple of decades, we've stayed in, sometimes with friends (if I'm honest, I can't wait for them to sod off usually), sometimes just us as a family. And that's what we're doing this year. Quiet night in with the family - although we've had two lots of friends asking us what we're doing and I'm expecting them to float the idea of them 'popping round, maybe', which means staying for the evening. But so be it.
There is, despite all I've written above, a bit of a shadow lurking and getting more prominent. I lost my brother 5 years ago, and that was tough (but I sort of deflected my own grief to help my parents get through it). My parents are still here (Mrs S lost hers in 2011 and 2016) but that won't be the case forever, and they're 81 and 77. Still both very active and with no known serious conditions (although my mum's showing signs of drifting towards dementia). When one (and especially both) of them goes, I have a feeling that door on mine is going to struggle to hold.
Wow, never expected to write more than a couple of paras, so apologies if I've bored anyone.
Nick, I hope you are able to wrestle your own overpowering negative feelings behind your own door and keep them locked away. Enjoy your time with your wonderful kids and wife. Don't let external factors (political!!) over which you have no control have too much bearing (stay away from the 'B' topic, and out of UIA would be my advice). Just go with life. Appreciate what you do have. And be thankful that you weren't born in the middle ages, where life was pretty rubbish.
Originally Posted by: Saint Snow